I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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