I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize