how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
