My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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