What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
