he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
