can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
