I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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