I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
