i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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