my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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