I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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