Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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