Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize