Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
