"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
