So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
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