how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
