im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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