Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
