Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
