So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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