someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
