Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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