My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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