I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
