phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize