I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
