Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I currently don't understand fingers.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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