I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize