Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
