Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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