Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
