Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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