I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
