At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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