mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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