You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
