i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
