I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize