marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
