I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
