I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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