I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
