How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
