He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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