So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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