There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
