thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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