There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
