Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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