my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
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