I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
