I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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