Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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