hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
