Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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