Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
