come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
FUCK WHALES
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
